Yesterday, I went for a haircut. But, this time I decided to do things a little different. 

Instead of going to my usual favourite salon, I tried a new one I had never been to before. Normally, I walk in with a clear idea of what haircut I want or any reference picture. But this time, I thought, why not let the hairstylist take the lead?

I simply told him, “I want it short, clean and neat” 

And let him do his magic.

I’ve been thinking about when someone once told me, “hair carries memories”. And I get it. A certain style can remind you of who you used to be, where you were in life, or even what you were feeling back then. Maybe you were happy, maybe you were healing. Sometimes you just wanted a change.

A drastic haircut can mean change. Growing it out means you’re holding on to something. And sometimes, we cut it short just to feel free again.

I used to perm my hair, dye it purple, bleach it until it broke, grow it out until it touches my shoulders or sometimes shave it all off into a buzz cut.

But honestly… that’s not really what I wanted to shared today.

There’s more to this recent haircut than just wanting to look neat and clean. I used to love keeping my hair longer, it felt like a part of me, something I held onto. But now… not anymore. Something changed and with that, so did the way I see myself. Cutting it short wasn’t just a style choice. It was quite way of letting go.

After some tough weeks or maybe even months of facing an unexpected loss… I just wanted to keep my hair short. I didn’t want to think too much about it. I just wanted something simple, something that felt like a reset.

The truth is, I’ve lost a friend. I’ve lost a relationship. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I felt betrayed. 

It’s strange how people you once trusted with everything can suddenly feel like strangers. Or worse, reminders of the version of you that loved them blindly. I kept trying to make sense of what happened, replaying conversations in my head, asking myself where things went wrong. But sometimes there are no clear answers. Just echoes that I heard in my sleep “You’re fake, play victim, parasite, selfish and manipulative”. They lingered like ghosts, uninvited. 

It’s sad when the person who once sat with you in silence, celebrated even your smallest win and stood by you in your quietest moments turns out to be the one hiding knife behind their back. The one who comforted you while you cried, only to wait for the perfect moment to strike. All the kindness and care began to feel like it came with quiet mischief. A slow betrayal disguised as love and that kind of betrayal doesn’t just change how you see them. But, it changes how you see everyone and how you see yourself…

It’s hard to explain how something small like a haircut can mean so much. But for me, it wasn’t just about style. It was about letting go of a version of myself that was still holding on. To the friendship, to the love, to the hopes I had built around. 

Cutting it all off didn’t take the pain away, but it made me feel lighter like I was finally ready to let go of what no longer served me. And I started to build a wall around myself, not just because of them, but because I was scared… and just wanted peace.

Maybe one day I’ll grow it out again. Maybe not. But either way, this haircut always remind me of this moment where I choose to move forward, quietly and honestly, even when it hurt.

Maybe that’s enough for now.

Assalamualaikum.